she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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