WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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