Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
