you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
