ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
