Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
