She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
