So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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