no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
