Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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