After last night, I could never be a politician.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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