I just cut my nipple shaving
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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