peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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