oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
