Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
