Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
