my vag is so smooth its legendary
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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