In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This couple is walking their pig around campus
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
