You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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