I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
