u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
