I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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