I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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