When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
