I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
