I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
