highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Youβre about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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