I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
