I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?