omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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