Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Randomize