Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
