Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
