i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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