Ambien. No doubt about it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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