Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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