dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
