I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I've blown a few things in my day
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
