Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
