had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
