Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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