I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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