I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
All I want is dick and wine.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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