my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
