I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
