I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
