and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
