Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she smelled like a LAN party
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
