The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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