You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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