wat bout pragnant strippers??
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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