I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
