I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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