due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
