I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
