im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If its not for food we ain't going out.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
