So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
