The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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