I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
