so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
