Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
