Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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