My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
